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Audio Drama 6: Yuri Petrov's Melancholy Daily Life

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Announcer (Sky High?): Welcome back. Put aside you weariness and strap in your manliness! I'm here to announce a special boxing match!

Announcer: In the red corner, representing Apollon Media, the Crusher for Justice: Willlllld Tigerrrrr!

Announcer: And in the blue corner, representing Kronos Food, the bull tank of the west coast, Rock Biiisooon!

Antonio: I never thought we'd settle things like this!

Kotetsu: Hah! I'll leave you crying like a baby! Just wait until you get a taste of my lever blow.

Announcer: Now, this match has a special rule: powers are not allowed!

Antonio: Referee, be sure you keep an eye on this guy! He plays dirty!

Kotetsu: I'm the one that should be saying that! Come on, let's get this started.

Announcer: Today's match is refereed by his honor, Yuri Petrov!

Yuri: (Why am I doing this...?)

Barnaby: My apologies for the fuss. I can't believe it came to this.

Yuri: I don't think I HAD to be the one to do this.

Barnaby: But isn't being a judge your job?

Yuri: But--

Barnaby: Oh, and one more thing. This is an audio drama, so please read this.

Announcer: Second out!

Barnaby: Ah, if you'll excuse me.

Yuri: Tiger & Bunny: Special Audio Drama. Yuri Petrov's Melancholy Days

Yuri: How did I get roped into this ridiculous farce?

Announcer: Round one...FIGHT!

Yuri: The answer to that lies approximately an hour ago. As the Hero Administrator, I am responsible for any improvements to be made to the training facilities. I came to the training room at Hero Tower for a special hearing to listen to their requests. Now that I think about it, that might be where my luck ended. I didn't actually have to go there in person to get their suggestions, but I was foolish enough to want to bring my justice directly behind the scenes. No, choosing to hold the meeting here was my biggest mistake...


Barnaby: Excuse me, are you listening?

Yuri: ...mmMMM?! Ah, uh, yes.

Barnaby: I can't think of anything in particular I'm dissatisfied with. I'm quite satisfied.

Yuri: I see. Understood. Well, if you think of any improvements or preventive measures, please feel free to report them to me.

Yuri: (This man is Barnaby Brooks Jr. He has gotten his revenge on the man that murdered his parents, Jake, and has taken the title of King of Heroes from Sky High a mere year after his debut. I suppose you could call him a sort of honor student, however, there is now a sort of feeling of frankness from him compared to the first time we met. Is such a man really worth of the mantle of king?)

Barnaby: Excuse me, are you listening? You're quite absent-minded, aren't you?

Yuri: Ah, no, I'm listening. You were referring to the simulation room, correct?

Barnaby: I think it would be nice if the simulation room had more variety.

Yuri: Oh? And who requested this?

Barnaby: As I said before, it was Mr. Origami.

Yuri: I see.

Yuri: (Origami Cyclone. The useless one that fancies himself a ninja. He has the power to mimic other things, but all he uses it for is photo bombing. You can't even call him a real hero. The wrath of justice should smite him, this cosplaying man that does nothing but toady to his sponsors while on television. I long to show him just how harsh things can be to those that ascended the ladder in that fashion. Not to mention, he has that large shuriken! Why doesn't he ever use it? Well, I suppose he IS only cosplaying a hero--)

Barnaby: Excuse me, are you listening?

Yuri: Mmm??

Barnaby: [sighing] Mind wandering again?

Yuri: Ah, my apologies. I was thinking about some business from court. What were we talking about again?

Barnaby: Huh?

Yuri: If you could just explain it again a little slower.

Barnaby: Um, well...There was a request for another locker room in addition to the rooms for men and women that we already have.

Yuri: Oh, and who is this one from?

Barnaby: From Mr. Fire Emblem, of course.

Yuri: I see.

Yuri: (Fire Emblem. A hero that shares the same fire ability as myself. Of course, saying that is more like an insult. Heh, you call that heat? It makes me laugh just thinking about comparing that to my powers. His flames are barely even hot--medium rare, at best. On the other hand, take my flames, my power, of course I'm the one that--)

Kotetsu: Argh!!

Kotetsu: Oh, sorry about that! Didn't see you there! You okay?

Yuri: Y-yes. *Somehow*.

Antonio: Hey, hold it right there, Kotetsu! As usual, you're the first to turn your tail and run!

Kotetsu: I'm telling you, I didn't DO anything!

Antonio: Then why were you running away?!

Kotetsu: Because you were being annoying! Annoying guys aren't popular, Bachelor Marbling Beef Shoulder Roast!

Antonio: YOU ASSHOLE--

Barnaby: Hold it, hold it! Why are you two even fighting?

Antonio: Listen to this, Barnaby! While I was in the locker room, he ate my super special pudding!

Barnaby: Huh?

Antonio: I was looking forward to having it after training! I got it from Ms. Agnes! It was my pudding! Mine! Give it back, you bastard!

Kotetsu: I already told you! That was MY pudding!

Antonio: No, it was mine!

Kotetsu: Then where did MY pudding go?!

Antonio: How the hell should I know?!

Barnaby: You're both adults! Stop arguing over pudding!

Kotetsu: Huh? Say... It was you, Bunny, wasn't it? You were the one who ate my pudding.

Barnaby: Hm?

Antonio: Blaming others now? Just how much of a rotten bastard are you, really!?

Kotetsu: It's you who's doing that! I just ate my own damn pudding!

Barnaby: Argh, would you two just stop it already? The puddings were the same, so it was probably a simple mistake. Besides, a guest from the Justice Bureau is here right now. Your behavior is embarrassing.

Kotetsu: Wha-- The Justice Bureau?

Yuri: ...

Kotetsu ... Ooh, I knew I've seen your face somewhere, and it was you, mister judge! Hello and thanks for everything you've done for me. And, um, what brought you all the way here today?

Yuri: Well, there were some-

Antonio: Hey, Kotetsu! Don't you dare change the subject!

Kotetsu: I'm not!

Yuri: (Hmph. Rock Bison and Wild Tiger. Both of them are a total vintage amongst the Heroes, and it can be said without exaggeration that they would be more suited for a nursing home. Rock Bison in particular is a paper-mache Hero, a mere ornament. If I'm not mistaken, his power is assuming a hardened form through a tough skin... Wait, doesn't this mean that his body simply hardens and that's it? Oh, who cares, he's a NEXT that is hardly different from a human anyway and can be discarded without a second thought. The one who is problematic is the second elderly eyesore, Wild Tiger. This old-fashioned, naïve simpleton has been repeatedly and incorrigibly getting in my way for quite a while. An annoying obstacle of a Hero. And why is that wherever I see his mug my scar starts to ache? Is it because that sinister bearded face? Or perhaps-)

Barnaby: Excuse me, are you listening?

Yuri: Eh!? Err, but of course, of course I am listening. What makes you doubt that?

Barnaby: Then am I to understand that you agree with the proposition?

Yuri: Of course. As an employee of the Justice Bureau, I strive to be as much of assistance as possible.

Antonio: Fine then, Barnaby. I've always hoped I can settle the score with this guy someday.

Kotetsu: Hah! I guess you have nothing to complain about now that the mister judge has agreed to play a referee.

Yuri: Ehm?

Antonio: I should be the one saying that! Besides, if Barnaby was the referee he would probably side with you!

Kotetsu: Heh! Not that it matters, 'cause we're going to settle this with a K.O.

Yuri: (A referee? What's going on? What on Earth are these morons talking about?)

Barnaby: Then it is decided. I suppose you will have to keep us company a bit longer, then.

Yuri: Errr, could you please wait a second? I'm afraid I'm missing some finer details of this conversation. You want me to mediate their argument or...

Barnaby: I believe it should be quite clear but... Both of them kept talking at the same time without listening and making the slightest progress whatsoever, so in order to resolve things fair and square it was agreed that you will arbiter their fight-

Yuri: Fight!?

Barnaby: Well, yes. They are simple-minded people, you see.

Kotetsu: By the way, where are we supposed to be boxing?

Yuri: (Boxing...!?)

Antonio: Hey, getting the jitters already? I would be totally okay with you throwing in the towel right here and now, you hear!?

Kotetsu: What did you say!?

Antonio: I've barely had the chance to join the action lately! All this accumulated frustration is just-

Barnaby: Alright, settle down. You are free to beat each other to a pulp right here as far as I am concerned, but I would like to remind you two that our simulation room exists for a purpose.

Yuri: (And thus due to this absurd sequence of events I ended up being forced to take part in this ridiculous farce.)


Announcer: Final round! Fight!

Antonio: Let's go, Kotetsu. It's about time we finished our fight.

Kotetsu: Right on! But wait, aren't you pretty much at the end of your strength now?

Antonio: No way! And what's with you, anyway? You're really fired up for somebody who was all reluctant at first. Rrargh!

Kotetsu: Gh! Take this!

[Rock Bison and Kotetsu fight in the background]

Barnaby: Hmm, so it went exactly as I had predicted. I believe the match is going to end very soon, so if you would...

Yuri: Err, I'm not sure it's-

[Alarms go off]

Kotetsu & Antonio: Huh!?

Announcer: Attention Heroes! This is an official dispatch order! A wanted criminal has been spotted en route to the East Bronze Stern Medaille area. Power-type Heroes are asked to promptly depart towards the specified location.

Barnaby: What a pity. I suppose this is what we call the Hero's fate.

Antonio: Now of all times...

Barnaby: Come on, no need to get so annoyed. Our old men must have tired themselves out quite a bit with their silly fight, so if they want to stay and rest I believe they should be free to do so. The one who is going to seize the prize will be me anyway.

Antonio: What did you say!?

Barnaby: Well, if you will excuse me.

Kotetsu: Oh well, we'll have to finish it some another day. We should get going too!

Antonio: Hey, wait!

Kotetsu: Move it! If we take too long that idiot Lunatic is going to pop out again!

Yuri: (“That idiot Lunatic”, huh...? To think I've been called an idiot by an idiot... Fine then. Allow me, the idiot, to tell you, our wise audience, a certain truth. If my conjecture is correct, neither Wild Tiger nor Rock Bison were lying. Then why have one of their puddings vanished? The man who holds the key to this mystery, and also the true criminal who ate the pudding, is Barnaby Brooks Jr.)

[MY NOTE: There is an echo of Barnaby saying pudding over and over in an ominous voice during this. Yuri's mind is terrifying.]

Barnaby: (The puddings were the same, so it was probably a simple mistake... wasn't it.)

Yuri: (The puddings were the same. This is something that only the criminal knows. In other words, he had committed the theft with full knowledge of the situation. Moreover, he took advantage of my position and coercively muddled the very issue. As I thought, he is a man that must not be underestimated.)

Yuri: (The time has come for me to depart as well. The target is a wanted killer. Tonight, the footfalls of Thanatos will echo there. Wild Tiger, Barnaby Brooks Jr. and the cowardly Heroes! Come and try to halt my justice! If you manage to stop me, each of you will gain nothing but the slave shackles of justice!)

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